My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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