This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
