He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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