Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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