My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
