I'm going to jail i love you
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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