STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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