my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
