addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
