she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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