i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
