I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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