Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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