New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
