Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
