I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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