Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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