I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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