She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
