Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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