To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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