When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
