I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He? As in you personified your dick?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
