The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
