Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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