He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
