He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
