Your mouth is God's brothel.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
