i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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