She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
