So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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