Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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