I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
