She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
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I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
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I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
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I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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