Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
