Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
