My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
