I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
