DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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