i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
