I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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