I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
