i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Another day, another engagement, another cat
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
