I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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