wanna go halves on a baby?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
