I accidentally had phone sex last night
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
