my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
