I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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