i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
