8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize