We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I supernannyed him into submission
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
