I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
