I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
