I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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